There’s an angry person living inside my head– and I just realized who it is.
Here are some of the things my perpetually pissed-off inner voice said this morning:
Why is this line so slow? I could be home by now! If only the dog would stop sniffing every damn bush, we’d be done!
What really sets off my angry inner being is when I happen to drop something. This morning I dropped the soap in the shower and the voice was furious: How dare you choose to do this now? I don’t have time for this!
And that’s when I recognized the voice.
It’s my mom.
As a child, whenever I lost my grip on anything, even if were just a sheet of paper, mom would instantly have something to say about it.
“Elizabeth! Look what you did! You are so clumsy! Mind what you are doing.” This would be followed by a sigh and then “My-oh-my, what am I going to do with you? I don’t know….” Clearly I was some terrible burden in her life.
Growing up I was bullied severely by my classmates…but the cruelty started within my own family. My mom, my dad, and my brother jeered, name-called, and picked on me relentlessly. However, mom led the assault with her lightning-quick responses.
“Why do you keep doing these things? You’d lose your head if it weren’t screwed on. You should be more careful!”
The finger of blame was constantly pointed at me. I vividly remember the time mom baked a cake and it didn’t come out right. She grabbed me by my arm and brought me into the kitchen to show me the cake I’d ruined. I had not come near her while she worked, but evidently I had asked her a question sometime during the process. She blamed me for distracting her. This resulted in my dad and brother becoming mad at me as well. They were expecting cake.
The message was, I was a screw-up and could not do anything right.
When I moved out of the house, my mom’s voice moved into my head.
Without realizing it, I internalized her messages and played them back every day.
To truly become a Messenger of Love, I need to love myself. Loving all of me includes showing compassion when I make a mistake or am careless. That means I need to learn a different response when I lose my pen or drop the soap.
Here’s what I’m going to do:
I’m giving myself a new voice in my head.
I’m installing Mom Version 2.0. I will program the new mom with the positive messages that I needed to hear as a child.
When I make a mistake, drop or lose something, I want to hear that it’s not the end of the world. I want to be soothed. I want acceptance. At first I know I will still hear the old mom, so I’ll be patient as I learn to choose a more loving path for myself.
Here are the new messages I am going to tell myself when the old mom gets triggered:
And so are YOU! Is it time to install a new voice in YOUR head? What messages of love and kindness can you give yourself today? I want to hear from you. Share your stories below.